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The New Joke Thread

Son: Dad, what is a tax?

Dad:(Thoughfully) I'd say tax is the ideal way for anyone who doesn't produce goods or contribute to society in anyway, shape or form to make a living!
The Force Awakens!

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #1
Son: Dad, what is a tax?

Dad:(Thoughfully) I'd say tax is the ideal way for anyone who doesn't produce goods or contribute to society in anyway, shape or form to make a living!

Thats not a joke, it's truth !!
Mens sana in corpore sano - A healthy mind in a healthy body.

Navy, it's not just a color, it's an attitude !!!

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #2
One my kids just got off Facebook.

A duck was just getting ready to cross the road, and all of a sudden a chicken grabbed him to stop him and said "dude, don't do it. You will never hear the end of it".  ;D
This digital world is too much for us insects to understand.

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #3
Something to ponder...........
If a gay man gets drunk will he be able to think straight?

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #4
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play
football.

He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were  2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
 
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
 Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed
and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police
vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some  buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really
sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.



'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

PS. Apologies to all Liverpuddlians.  ;D
Reality always wins in the end.

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #5
Strange that the names & places have been changed to protect the "people" of Collingwood

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #6
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play
football.

He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were  2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
 
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
 Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed
and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police
vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some  buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really
sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.



'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

PS. Apologies to all Liverpuddlians.  ;D
Awesome! The missus old lady is from Liverpool, perfect joke for Christmas lunch  ;D

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #7
@BA

She'll love it - but maybe just remember to duck just after you've delivered the punch line - best be on the safe side!  ;)
Reality always wins in the end.

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #8
My jokes are too filthy to post in here. Sorry guys.  ;D

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #9
Richmond :))

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #10
 :))
 
Boobies. 
 
 ;D

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #11
With the Spring Racing Carnival in the air...

Iram was visiting his wealthy horse owner dear friend, Josiah. He noticed a magnificent horse in a holding pen out the back.
"Wow, Josiah, that is a very impressive horse. But can he run?"
"Can he run? Huh. Fastest horse I have ever bred. I am about to start racing him... will win everything." Josiah replied.
"How much?" Iram asked.
"Not for sale."
Iram continued to try and persuade Josiah to part with the magnificent steed... but Josiah would not budge.

Any way the two good Jewish buddies enjoyed some for food and win before Iram went home.

The next morning, to Josiah's horror, his magnificent steed was dead. However, being an enterprising Jewish dude and wondering if Iram was still interested in buying the horse, he telephoned him. "Iram, my dear friend, do you remember that magnificent horse you wanted to buy from me?"

"Remember!! A more magnificent animal I have never seen. I would pay anything." Iram said.

"Well, for $million you can have him... send me the bank cheque and upon receit I will send you the horse."

"Done."

Within 48 hours a bank cheque for one million dollars arrived which Josiah quickly banked. He then put the dead horse in a huge wooden crate and sent it to Iram.

Well, the days became weeks and weeks months, but still Josiah had not heard anything from his good friend Iram about the dead horse. Eventually, curiosity got the better of him and he called Iram. "Greeting Iram. Shalom. You know that horse I sent you... what happened? He was dead."

"I know," Iram said calmly.

"What, what ...?"

"I sold a million raffle tickets at 2 dollars each. Only one prize... the winner got the horse." Iram explained.

"But, Iram, the horse was dead! Didn't the winner complain????" Josiah asked.

"Yes, of course he did. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Only our ruthless best, from Board to bootstudders will get us no. 17

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #12
 ;D
 
*Said in my best American jew voice* That was claaaaaaaaaaassic.  ;D
 
And now it's time for a few joke from Gozza.  O:-)
 
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
 
 ;D
 
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
 
 ;D
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
 
 ;D
 
A sheila police officer arrests a bloke for drunk driving. While reading him his rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs," the drunk replied.
 
 ;D ;D ;D

Re: The New Joke Thread

Reply #13
St. kilda Football Club.
"everything you know is wrong"

Paul Hewson