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Blah-Blah Bar / Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.
Last post by Mantis -I saw mum every two days at the family home while dad was at work. I refused to come back to live there. Even if it left mum and my sister with dad alone. After 2 weeks I offered my mum several thousand dollars to help her get her and my sister out of the house. She had a part time job but most of the money the family used for expenses was in an account in dads name. She finally agreed to moved with my help and to repay every cent I would give her to move. We planned the day well and I rented a removal truck and came to the house after dad left for work. We packed everything very quickly and left. Mum had a rental organised with the money I gave her and paid for 4 months really rent in advance. She had enough left over to eat and pay all the bills for at least 4 months. She immediately saw a solicitor and filed for a formal separation. She was able to get several thousands of dollars in advance and the balance of a separation settlement to be paid months later. A year later she bought a sh1ty flat in Dandenong where she and my sister moved into to live. We all stayed in touch and visited each other regularly. I eventually married and eventually had two daughters of my own. I bought my own house and my sister got together with a friend I knew for years and they bought a house of their own.
This was now the new family that dad was isolated from. My sister was forced to visit her dad by my mum, as mum thought it was the right thing to do. Not a real connection but visiting to show something. She showed photos of my family and house and her house and it finally hit home. Dad finally saw what he was missing. Living all alone with no family around him. All while we have moved on to a better life. Years later mum got very sick in her late 70’s. She ended up dying from heart failure. She was sick for 18 months and spent 12 of those months in hospital. She ended up dying in her own house. After my sister and I discharged her from hospital for the last time. We gave her her last wish. We promised to look after each other forever. We all came to the funeral and Dad came also for support. Even though it made me sick in my stomach I didn’t create any bad feelings between us. I just refused to come to see him or have him come to see me which he respected. I painted and cleaned the flat from arseh@le to ear. I changed the carpets. I replaced the Lino floors and all the light fittings. New cooktop , oven and a range hood. We sold the flat and split the proceeds under the inheritance conditions. We had over $110,000 each after costs to fix the place and pay for the funeral.
A few years later I went through a very nasty divorce. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for too many years. I was with a person that tried to control my entire life. Verbally aggressive for many years. I saw myself back to a natural pull to a person that takes control and runs my life. Like I had as a child with dad. I got out because this was going to be the end of me. My wife tried to run me into ruins in terms of financial stability. She tried to take everything. She poached almost $40,000 from an account that was my share of an inheritance from the death of my mother. Plus around $15,000 missing from our own family expense accounts. Not to worry as life goes on. My sister gave me a place to live to get back on my feet. At least a year. We made a promise to mum before she died that we would stand side by side and support each other in every way forever. After I moved out of my sisters house she decided to separate from her partner. She had options but I had a small 2 bedroom unit for her to move into with me. We spent 3 months looking for options for her while her separation settlement was sorted and I found by a chance a house and land package for her. She bought it and guess what? She had to move in with me for almost a year. Before the build was finished. We both engaged back with dad and he finally saw what family was all about. It brought tears to his eyes. The love that two siblings could offer each other that he missed for years. We got together for Easter, Christmas, Birthdays, and a simple excuse to eat KFC, what ever. He eventually became very sick with lung cancer. Dad refused to consider this as any more than a government trying to take away his pension. We drove him from specialist to the next doctor appointment. For at least 8 months. A lung cancer the size of the palm of your hand. He eventually accepted chemotherapeutic treatment and made huge improvements Florida 5 months. Eventually his immune system dropped and he developed a infection in his lungs. He was hospitalised and had my sister and myself make a promise to him. We had to promise to him that we would help each other as real brother and sister until the day we die. Not a hard call considering we were as close as any other family members ever were. His infection was water on the lungs. He was gone in just 48 hours. I was at work and received the call when it all ended. I had so many sickening years with him. I also had years of joy with a man that was a different person. A man showing real love. Real care. Real remorse. Not by words, because he couldn’t say what he really thought. The way he should have treated the entire family for so many years. He changed his way of life and I experienced it. Many years later. I was still sad and missed him. Why? Probably because he was the only father figure that I had ever experienced. One that was there. Good or bad. Just be there and be a role model.
Does offering some forgiveness mean anything? Great question. I can’t answer that. I did it whether right or wrong. Would mum roll over in her grave thinking about how I came back to the man that offered so much pain in our lives for so many years? Did I offer some closure? I don’t know. I just opened and opportunity to change. My sister is fine with it. She has a sense of relief. Maybe that is what is an end result. We are as tight as the tightest knot on this planet. Maybe this is what my parents wanted and needed. We my sister and myself do not share the same opinions, and not even close in any opinions. We do share the same life experience and we do share the same offer of support for each other no matter what.
I hope I haven’t offended any here. You are all good mates to me. I hope I haven’t brought something to you that you have never experienced. If so then I hope you can learn that some things in life are real. It does exist. You should not be immune to the reality of life. I haven’t made this life story worse than it really was. In fact it was probably worse than I could explain all the details. I am happy to always answer any questions. Some of them I might be hesitant on initially. I am so glad so many have been empathetic. I am happy to share my empathy with any experienced issues you may have or have had. It was a very hard story to tell. Let me tell you that. However I really feel that I have had more therapy from this than I have ever had from professionals in the field in the past 30 years ago. Please feel free to PM me or ask for my phone number to speak to me in the future if you see the same issue in your life or the life of friends. I am the best ears you will ever enjoy.
I will not judge. I will not give advice without offering opportunities to seek help. If I can help there I will be the first to seek options. Just remember one thing that I was taught years ago. Fear isn’t weakness or failure. Fear is fear. It is a feeling. It is a part of what you are experiencing. How you react is what makes you as a person and it determines the rest of your life as a potential result. Don’t fight fire with fire. Water might be the best way to put the fire out. Think about it. Not text book theory. I actually feel so much better about this story than I have for years. I still love my mum. I still love my stepdad even though the early years were tough. I will always love my sister no matter what. Unconditional love. I will also never forget one important thing. I will never forget to love myself. I know that I am not great in the eyes of many. I just need to be great in my own mind and love myself. If I can’t do that then I will never have real self respect. My remaining family will be my future. Love you all to bits on this site. I hope I haven’t offended any or horrified by o many too much I hope it helps some learn something from other experiences. Thanks for your nice thoughts. My empathy is always there on anything any of you have as a life problem. Anything.
Big green stick going to bed but always here in some form.