Son: Dad, what is a tax?
Dad:(Thoughfully) I'd say tax is the ideal way for anyone who doesn't produce goods or contribute to society in anyway, shape or form to make a living!
Son: Dad, what is a tax?
Dad:(Thoughfully) I'd say tax is the ideal way for anyone who doesn't produce goods or contribute to society in anyway, shape or form to make a living!
Thats not a joke, it's truth !!
One my kids just got off Facebook.
A duck was just getting ready to cross the road, and all of a sudden a chicken grabbed him to stop him and said "dude, don't do it. You will never hear the end of it". ;D
Something to ponder...........
If a gay man gets drunk will he be able to think straight?
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play
football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed
and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police
vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really
sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
PS. Apologies to all Liverpuddlians. ;D
Strange that the names & places have been changed to protect the "people" of Collingwood
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play
football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed
and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police
vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really
sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
PS. Apologies to all Liverpuddlians. ;D
Awesome! The missus old lady is from Liverpool, perfect joke for Christmas lunch ;D
@BA
She'll love it - but maybe just remember to duck just after you've delivered the punch line - best be on the safe side! ;)
My jokes are too filthy to post in here. Sorry guys. ;D
Richmond :))
:))
Boobies.
;D
With the Spring Racing Carnival in the air...
Iram was visiting his wealthy horse owner dear friend, Josiah. He noticed a magnificent horse in a holding pen out the back.
"Wow, Josiah, that is a very impressive horse. But can he run?"
"Can he run? Huh. Fastest horse I have ever bred. I am about to start racing him... will win everything." Josiah replied.
"How much?" Iram asked.
"Not for sale."
Iram continued to try and persuade Josiah to part with the magnificent steed... but Josiah would not budge.
Any way the two good Jewish buddies enjoyed some for food and win before Iram went home.
The next morning, to Josiah's horror, his magnificent steed was dead. However, being an enterprising Jewish dude and wondering if Iram was still interested in buying the horse, he telephoned him. "Iram, my dear friend, do you remember that magnificent horse you wanted to buy from me?"
"Remember!! A more magnificent animal I have never seen. I would pay anything." Iram said.
"Well, for $million you can have him... send me the bank cheque and upon receit I will send you the horse."
"Done."
Within 48 hours a bank cheque for one million dollars arrived which Josiah quickly banked. He then put the dead horse in a huge wooden crate and sent it to Iram.
Well, the days became weeks and weeks months, but still Josiah had not heard anything from his good friend Iram about the dead horse. Eventually, curiosity got the better of him and he called Iram. "Greeting Iram. Shalom. You know that horse I sent you... what happened? He was dead."
"I know," Iram said calmly.
"What, what ...?"
"I sold a million raffle tickets at 2 dollars each. Only one prize... the winner got the horse." Iram explained.
"But, Iram, the horse was dead! Didn't the winner complain????" Josiah asked.
"Yes, of course he did. So I gave him back his two dollars."
;D
*Said in my best American jew voice* That was claaaaaaaaaaassic. ;D
And now it's time for a few joke from Gozza. O:-)
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
;D
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
;D
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
;D
A sheila police officer arrests a bloke for drunk driving. While reading him his rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs," the drunk replied.
;D ;D ;D
St. kilda Football Club.
St. kilda Football Club.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
With the Spring Racing Carnival in the air...
Iram was visiting his wealthy horse owner dear friend, Josiah. He noticed a magnificent horse in a holding pen out the back.
"Wow, Josiah, that is a very impressive horse. But can he run?"
"Can he run? Huh. Fastest horse I have ever bred. I am about to start racing him... will win everything." Josiah replied.
"How much?" Iram asked.
"Not for sale."
Iram continued to try and persuade Josiah to part with the magnificent steed... but Josiah would not budge.
Any way the two good Jewish buddies enjoyed some for food and win before Iram went home.
The next morning, to Josiah's horror, his magnificent steed was dead. However, being an enterprising Jewish dude and wondering if Iram was still interested in buying the horse, he telephoned him. "Iram, my dear friend, do you remember that magnificent horse you wanted to buy from me?"
"Remember!! A more magnificent animal I have never seen. I would pay anything." Iram said.
"Well, for $million you can have him... send me the bank cheque and upon receit I will send you the horse."
"Done."
Within 48 hours a bank cheque for one million dollars arrived which Josiah quickly banked. He then put the dead horse in a huge wooden crate and sent it to Iram.
Well, the days became weeks and weeks months, but still Josiah had not heard anything from his good friend Iram about the dead horse. Eventually, curiosity got the better of him and he called Iram. "Greeting Iram. Shalom. You know that horse I sent you... what happened? He was dead."
"I know," Iram said calmly.
"What, what ...?"
"I sold a million raffle tickets at 2 dollars each. Only one prize... the winner got the horse." Iram explained.
"But, Iram, the horse was dead! Didn't the winner complain????" Josiah asked.
"Yes, of course he did. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Love it Baggers!! :))
Joke for the HACCP age
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
Joke for the HACCP age
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
I actually laughed out loud ;D ;D ;D ;D
Joke for the HACCP age
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
I actually laughed out loud ;D ;D ;D ;D
Gold!
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
Bought my wife a new hamster skin coat on the weekend. She wore it when we went down to Docklands - took me an hour to get her off the Star Wheel!
If you really want to laugh go and get yourself a copy of Carl Barron's new DVD "A One Ended Stick".
Just finished watching it but had to have an intermission as i was laughing so hard i think i may have cracked a rib and have abdominal strains.
Funniest thing I've seen in a long, long time.
Just finished watching it but had to have an intermission as i was laughing so hard i think i may have cracked a rib and have abdominal strains.
I might have to give it a miss. I'll end up with a hemorrhoid. ;D
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1509655_725703400782952_989002226_n.jpg)
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
http://titusoreily.com/richmond-executives-meet-with-jake-king/
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/1621730_246094225569536_1181071215_n.jpg)
Gee, EFC are always at the cutting edge of sports science.
Their latest development is a new type of ultra-lightweight protective gear, sure to give them the edge!
The old stuff was bulky having far more space and material than needed, based on an EFC player survey, the old designs were revised and space used more efficiently. As a result EFC have been able to cut back wasted materials, greatly reduce weight, offer players more freedom of movement which in turn delivered greater agility and flexibility. The new design has also delivered EFC significant improvements in mindset and moral, attributed to the combined fresh fashionable look and form fitting function. To understand the new developments a comparison is offered below.
The bulky old version is shown here, look at all that wasted space and excess material!
(http://cletoreyes.com.mx/components/com_virtuemart/shop_image/product/Light_Protective_4e9343d949a12.jpg)
Below by comparison the new version shows off it's significant benefits from the more efficient bio-mechanical slim design developed using the expertise of the EFC playing list!
(http://cletoreyes.com.mx/components/com_virtuemart/shop_image/product/Pelvic_Protector_4e9346a223f22.jpg)
EFC hold high hopes that delivering their cutting edge sports science technologies to the market place could lead to a significant windfall for the club during it's tough financial times. However at this stage uptake has been slow, EFC is yet to identify why, but believe the underlying reasons will be exposed soon enough and sales may experience a rise!
Does anyone know how to access the old Joke Thread????
Looking for the joke about the two buildings: one for males and one for females and the 'benefits' increase as you move up each floor........
http://archive.carltonsc.com/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=5360&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=100
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the is gn reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I wa nt more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Superstar Amers!!!
Superstar Amers!!!
Don't go overboard!
http://www.footyalmanac.com.au/excerpts-from-the-big-bump-free-bumper-carlton-activity-funbook/
Saw this on TC - a few laughs.
http://www.footyalmanac.com.au/excerpts-from-the-big-bump-free-bumper-carlton-activity-funbook/
Saw this on TC - a few laughs.
Very good ;D
+1