Carlton Supporters Club

Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

May 07, 2024, 03:20:44 am

Domestic violence is something coming up in the news lately and for a long time. My opinion is the government will fail to address the problem due to a lack of true understanding of what it actually means and how it has an effect on individuals and an entire family. Especially the children. I repeat, especially the children. It should not be a mistake that it it considered to be men abusing women. It works both ways. Even though it might be more of an issue with men abusing or killing women, it is a two way street. Women can be very dangerous with verbal abuse and physical violence. Many times involving knives and other chosen weapons. I have witnessed this first hand multiple times in my life. Pause for a short moment and get yourself comfortable with a box of tissues and I am not happy to vent my life experience, but if it helps people understand what happens behind closed doors it might allow people to understand real fear and why victims act the way they do.

My mother came to this country back in 1968. She was pregnant and expecting a child literally 4 months after landing in this country. She was married and her husband sent her here to start a life while he settled some family issues before he was to come from Croatia to join her here in Australia. She lived in a bungalow with other Croatian, Serbian and Bosnian people new to the country. After giving birth she got a job and tried to get her life in order. Her husband never returned her mail. Never answered any communications. It became obvious to her that she would be left alone here in a new country with minimal money and not a great deal of support.

She then met my future step father by chance and they began a relationship. He offered to help her get a rental and help her find her feet. She was overwhelmed with joy. They lived in a rental for 2 years and he offered her to join him in the ownership of a house and live together as a family. Everything was great. While they would argue over small trivial things at times it was only verbal frustrations most families would experience. A few years later she was pregnant again and expecting a daughter to her new defacto partner. She gave birth to a beautiful daughter and life was about to get better. I was around 5 years of age at the time and very excited. Suddenly things started going pear shaped.

I would talk to dad (he was the only dad figure to me and we got on really well), and I asked him why he had a different last name to me and my mother. He said I was what would translate into English as a whores bastard. I was too young to understand what that was. I then asked mum what that was and she explained but insisted I tell her where I heard this term. She had suspected dad said it to me. She confronted him about it after he got home from work the following day as to why you would suggest or call your son this term. He absolutely exploded in rage and claimed I was never his son and never will be. He has a real daughter and doesn’t need me or my mother anymore. She started packing her bags. She said she will never stay in a house where she wasn’t respected or their son. He dragged her into the house by the hair up 4 or 5 steps leading to the front door. Then locked the door. I was stuck locked outside. I have never heard a woman or person scream so much in my life. I heard smashing glass. Loud banging on walls and continuous yelling. Her screaming made me wet my pants. I thought she would die. I sat in the front yard shivering with fear. Not that he would hurt or kill me. The silence in the house made me think my mum was dead. The same might have been with my sister. The door opened and he yelled at me. “Come here”. “ Help the whore clean up my house”. He looked at me from close proximity and said “ if you open your big mouth again this will be the same for you”. I walked in the house and in the kitchen my mother was sitting on the floor shivering with fear. Blood covering the floor beneath her, blood on the walls, and 3 white items on the floor that I picked up. It was her broken teeth. Mum and I cleaned the house and I shivered the whole time for at least an hour and a half. I wet my pants again. I was really scared at what this beast could do. Imagine what he could do to me? Mum was petite. Only 55kg. At my age I was lucky to weigh 25kg. How do you fight a 120kg beast of a full grown man?

A month went by and everything went back to part normal but not really normal. We had some visitors from interstate come to see us. For a long weekend. Mum cooked and cleaned and had some evidence of bruising to her eye. The visitors kept asking how this injury took place. The interrogation of questioning came to a point that mum lashed out and said ask him, pointing to my dad. He walked over to her an punched her so hard in the face that she had the biggest black eye I have ever seen. Her eye was instantly closed not even seeing a slit. The visitors got up, and packed their belongings and set off back home. Dad gave mum an myself that look. The look of you are finished. Once they left, we were both in real trouble. Mum, my sister and myself hide in the spare bedroom. Dad came back after a couple of hours. He found us. He took my sister which was his daughter to his bedroom and put her to bed. He then came into the bedroom with us with a rolling pin and we both copped a complete beating. Like you would see in the movie “Once were Warriors “.

This never ended. We would see 2 to 3 weeks for the moment to settle, but mum would open her big mouth again and we would experience a moment where she would say stop being an idiot and shut the gate otherwise the kids will run out onto the streets. Dad didn’t like someone challenge his thought process. He walked from the rear yard into the house and could see trouble starting again. Scared like anything I threatened to kill him with a butter knife in my hands. Shivering with complete fear. He picked me up and threw me through the front yard lounge window. When mum came in to protect her son, he slammed her into the wall. I ran onto the house and he was stomping on her head. I thought she was dead again. Blood everywhere. I ran like I have never run before out of the house. I had no idea where I was going. I guess it was just to get out of there. I am getting sick of the blood. The clean up. The living with fear. This went on month after month. For 22 years with mum and myself having more broken teeth and broken bones that you can’t imagine. This had to end. I had to be selfish. I had to start a new beginning. If I didn’t leave, the rest would live in a safe space. My sister was fine. She was the daughter. However the remaining family members weren’t. My memory of being hit by a hammer or a piece of steel was not something new. Hence why I thought why did we endure so much?

No real support. No family or friends to accept am knew life. A new beginning. Sure back 30 plus years ago it didn’t exist. These were once or twice a month violence activity at an extreme level. 3 or 4 times on what might be medium level. Fear of death. How many freak of death periods to the do young kids experience ever in life? Anxiety. I still don’t sleep at night without some weapon in close grasp. Why did I get exposed to this lifestyle? Why?  What will the government do to help the situation? Short term money to help. Short term housing. Everything shows a typical result. Coming back home without the ability to set themselves free. That is what my mother couldn’t do. Money talks and bullcrap walks. Long term money.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #1 – May 07, 2024, 08:30:30 am

Courageous stuff to share that with us, Green Stick. A horror story. Similar stories only too often happening behind closed doors around the nation... world. I have little doubt you've ended up with PTSD. I hope you've support and help for this, assuming you have PTSD... regardless, that level of trauma is abhorrent and lasting. I'm also concerned for your sister, for a number of reasons.

Expecting politicians to effectively address the issue of domestic violence is worrisome, to say the least. They've centuries of being ineffectual, even contributory, in this area. I saw an episode of Q & A on the ABC where a Criminologist summarized the issue sharply and succinctly -
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/d0lHA-zDBdg
He mentioned in this 'patient dumping'... a cruel and critical cause/issue at the core of domestic violence (not a fan of using the acronym for domestic violence... subtle sanitizing).
Expecting families (often already under difficulty) to deal with mentally ill and drug fkd family members is cruel and absurd.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #2 – May 07, 2024, 08:32:39 am

That is absolutely horrific reading Mantis. I am so sorry you had to endure that...
If you wouldn't mind a... couple of very senitive questions and don't feel any obligation that you need to answer them.

1) How did things eventually end up for yourself, your poor mother, and your stepfather?
2) A couple of times you shifted the narrative from the past to the present (as if it was actually happening now) when describing the events. It is obviously still very raw. Have you ever spoken to a professional person about these events.

Domestic violence has been around since folks lived in caves.
It exists in all cultures.
It stems from factors such as passion, possession, control, power...and mental health.
It can be verbal as well as physical
It is often passed down through generations...'the abused becomes the abuser'.
It is not something that is transparent and more often occurs behind closed doors.

We're seeing a lot of demonstrations and a lot of talk
It might make folk feel good, as if they're at least doing something, but the solutions are still far away.
I'm not sure anyone has the answers.
Lock the abuser up?
Lock the abuser up for longer periods?
They'll just stew and work themselves up for revenge, because they'll regard themselves as the victims.
Once the abuser is released the woman and family will forever be looking over their shoulders.
It's very difficult to relocate a person(s) to the extent that they are untraceable and anyway it would mean a disconnect from family and friends.
Providing some financial support that allows the abused to leave the situation only works to the point where the abuser is kept at bay...and in the extreme deadly circumstances that are the focus of most of the protests the abuser usually finds a way.

Again, credit and great respect to Mantis for sharing his story.
If we look back, society has probably come a long way from the times where these things were not talked about.
Examples such as this, used in terms of education of the next generations is probably the only way forward.
But that will take many years to have a significant effect.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #3 – May 07, 2024, 09:23:19 am

Horrendous story that is repeated too often, education is a big part of the solution, teaching dullards like Mantis' stepfather from an early age that their circumstances is not somebody else's fault.

Education won't prevent 100% of occurrences, it may even make some worse giving psychopaths enhanced skills, but it should reduce the frequency considerably, and improve the response of those around the situation.

Not making excuses, but this sort of behaviour can sometimes have it's roots in many generations, it takes courage to break free and not go down the same route because fear is at the root cause of much of it.

On one side a gutless fear, taking life's struggles out on those weaker, finding someone to blame.

The other side can be a fear of the unknown which is basically a fear of change even if it is likely to be change for the good, like an escape.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #4 – May 07, 2024, 09:43:51 am

Tough to read mate, sorry to hear your mother and yourself had to to through that.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #5 – May 07, 2024, 12:43:35 pm

Yep really sorry you went through it.  No excusing any of it.  Wondering how it started so well and then seemingly flipped.  Wondering what else occurred to cause some grief there but being small it was harder to understand.  I dont know but there's no condoning that action.  Was he too of Croatian descent?  I know in the Balkans it's common for wives to stand by their husbands even when they shouldn't.  In this case sounds like that happened with your mum (or a lack of options once the girl arrived).

Hopefully you have a good relationship with your half sister and I mean no blame or shame with this at all.  I just can't understand it which speaks for why I won't perpetuate the cycle of this behaviour more than anything else.

We are all here for you mate.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #6 – May 07, 2024, 01:14:39 pm

Not sure what to say after that. Horrific story and I was hoping there was a happy ending coming but it never did. Very courageous of you Mantis. I hope you've had some professional help along the way.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #7 – May 07, 2024, 02:24:16 pm

Horrendous story Mantis and brave of you to share it with us, as others have said I hope you have had some professional help later in life and are coping ok. My wifes family had a similar issue with her father who was of Italian/Croatian heritage but nothing like the extreme violence you have been through. Unfortunately I dont see there being an easy fix other than providing more safe places where mothers, children can flee to avoid the violence and with the lack of housing etc I cant see Governments being able to solve the problem or even being able to put a dent in it. Education at the junior level may reduce the amount of incidents later but its going to take a while to see much change sadly...take care of yourself and hopefully a premiership isnt too far away to bring you some small joy.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #8 – May 07, 2024, 03:11:57 pm

Holy Moly Mantis.  I wasn't going to take you up on your offer of sharing by DM as I wasn't sure as to why I would want the details.  Now you have shared, thank you so much.  What will I do with this?

A mate of my son's parents are going through a nasty separation.   There was abuse in the marriage - nothing like you've experienced, but still there - to the point where the mate was starting to display some of the same abusive attributes.  The kids are also in the same footy team, which has some really well rounded adults supporting and encouraging - they know some of mates situation.  It drives me to help support and be an adult role model for not only mate, but the whole team (as much as you can) and likewise for my son's cricket team and to encourage others to do the same.  Will it make a difference? I hope so. 

Thanks again, Mantis, for opening our eyes to understand more about what goes on behind locked doors.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #9 – May 07, 2024, 03:58:27 pm

Mants that was a truly chilling post mate. I'm so sorry that you and your mum had to go through those horrific times. We can only hope that ways can be eventually found to avoid such dreadful experiences being inflicted on people. Many thanks for sharing and for painting such an honest and mind blowing picture.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #10 – May 07, 2024, 04:37:48 pm

Thanks for sharing Mants.

It raises many questions.

One of which Lods touched on....how does the story end....or at least up to this point in time.

Secondly, how has society changed today (if at all)? What changes need to be made to stop it from happening now and in the future.

Finally, What is the best way to deal with these issues
a) If they have happened to you
b) your family
c) your friend
d) your neighbour

I'm not sure if i have the answers to any of that, which is somewhat worrying.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #11 – May 07, 2024, 05:26:36 pm

That was hard to read Mantis, and probably very hard for you to write.  Thank you for sharing your incredible story.

I have a whirlwind of thoughts and questions in my head but I'm struggling to string words together.  I'll just say that I hope you're OK.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #12 – May 07, 2024, 06:36:26 pm

If you don't intervene you're essentially condoning the behaviour, but good Samaritans wear it too.  Real problem these days.  I keep thinking about the bloke who stopped the bloke smacking his girlfriend around (Hudson), got shot for his good intentions. 

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #13 – May 07, 2024, 06:40:01 pm

Thankyou for sharing Mantis and I am so sorry you and your dear mum had to live that. I can understand how the trauma of that life would linger for ever but rest assured, this place has always been and will always be a safe space for you and anyone else with similar experiences. There are people on here with a wealth of knowledge and expertise who if they can help you themselves, can point you in the direction of people who can (if you have already reached out to professionals). Me? I cant offer you any such professional help but I can always be a person who can and will give you an ear to talk to anytime if you were to need it. No judgements, just someone to vent to if it helps. Send me a PM anytime mate.

I do have a couple who we were great friends with but we (my wife and I) decided to end it for a host of reasons. They were quite wealthy, initially at least, but he subjected her to years of abuse (mental and physical - nothing like you describe above) but there was almost always drugs and alcohol involved by both parties. He claims she abused him also but I dont believe it for a minutes as he was nothing but a compulsive liar. I and others in the circle of friends were oblivious to the fact this was A. going on and B. going on for so long. After finding out, I always wondered why she hung around. I put it down to money. When I ended the friendship, my last words to her were me suggesting she call the police and a lawyer. Don't know if she ever did, don't really care as they were both extremely toxic people.

Re: Domestic violence and why the government will struggle to attention the problem.

Reply #14 – May 07, 2024, 09:51:57 pm

That was confronting to read Mantis, I can only imagine the courage it’s taken you to write it.
I hope telling us helps you heal.